We all have our fears, our phobias. Some are afraid of heights, drowning, dogs…I’m afraid of spiders. As a child, I was fascinated by them. I thought they were cool, how they had different colors to them, how they were fuzzy and sometimes even soft to the touch. I also respected them, they ate the damn mosquitoes and flies that would annoy the hell out of me…God, I hate mosquitoes… But something changed as I grew older…I saw this little movie called Arachnophobia and…ironically enough…that’s what the fuckin’ movie gave me. It painted these creatures as tiny little vampires that could kill a grown man in mere minutes with one bite. The fact that these little fuckers can kill with one bite just scared the hell out of me as a kid. But hell, I still was fascinated by them. I feel a little vulnerable sharing this with you, it makes me uncomfortable just talking about it…
First and foremost, we, as arachnophobes, are afraid of the giant Tarantula. They’re these big, brutish looking things, with huge fangs. Horror movies show them off as monsters, hell there’s even a goddamn movie called Tarantula about a monstrous one that eats and kills people. There was a scene in a Fulci movie where a swarm of them basically ripped a guy apart. Of course, it was all fake. They can’t be all bad, right? That’s what I tell myself. They’re supposedly soft to the touch, kept as pets. But they have these hairs that they can literally fire at people when they feel threatened. But eh…I’m not too worried about them, and neither should you. They’re not the monsters that the media makes them out to be, but they are still kinda creepy.
Next, we get the ones that are all over the place I live. We got these little slick, brownish looking ones called Brown Recluse. Now these little fuckers are poisonous. They cause these sick, disgusting looking wounds when they bite you, necrotic venom just…eating away at flesh. I’ve seen some pretty gross wounds on the Internet, skin turning all black and sometimes going right to the bone. It’s nasty stuff.
Then there are the glassy looking Black Widows. These guys really can kill you in a few minutes. I was told that you’d need a lot of venom, a lot of bites to actually die. But my own research tells me that that’s not true. All you need is one bite, one drop of venom, and you’re done in minutes. And all from a species that is literally the size of a damn nickel.
These creatures, these Arachnids, they scare the hell outta me. A lot of people share my sentiments, my fears. But that’s not even the half of it! I swear, there are worse mother fuckers out there…take for instance the ones that are from Australia. There’s this one spider there called the Sydney Funnel Web. This guy rears up like a horse when threatened, shows off its fangs, and the damn critter is the size of a human fist! A damn fist! And the fangs are huge! I’ve heard when someone gets bitten, within minutes, they begin to hemorrhage from their eyes…mouth…gums…nose…ears…their hearts essentially explode. It’s a nasty way to go, don’t you think?
So, there are other reasons I hate spiders. Aside from their fangs…their venom…they just look fuckin’ creepy. Eight legs, multiple eyes, the way they move and shit? Fuck that. That Funnel Web one from Australia? Yeah, it bites down so damn hard that people have to remove it by hand for how deep the fangs go in. I couldn’t imagine wanting to touch the damn thing after it fucking bites me. That’s just sickening. Alas, let’s go on. Cause there’s one more species I want to touch on, I really want to drive home just how much I really am afraid of spiders…and why you are too.
These things make their homes in the darkness. Every human has their own primal fears of the unknown, and what’s more unknown than the dark? So deep in the darkness, deep in the jungles of South America, there lives another spider. This one is extremely toxic, it’s powerful, and is adaptable to almost any climate. It’s been found as far North as the UK. They lay their damn eggs on bananas that get exported around the world. I’m talking about the Brazilian Wandering Spider. This fucker…this fucker right here…it can live anywhere. It’s also part of the same family as the Funnel Web spider. Can you understand now why I hate spiders? Why you should hate spiders? Spiders fucking suck.
Thanks for listening to me vent about this. You have no idea how much these things terrify me. But you know what’s best for us as human beings? It’s getting over our fears. You tell me you’re not afraid of them. And I’m here to tell you, you are. See, you’re bound and gagged, no one can hear you, you can’t move, you’re trapped. And that shape that’s exiting the little plastic container in there? Well, it’s one of these Brazilian Wandering spiders. I just so happened to find one in a bag of bananas and, well, wouldn’t you know it? I just had to raise it as my own. So, stay absolutely still…be absolutely silent…and maybe…just maybe…she won’t know you’re afraid of her…And maybe…she won’t bite you…
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