So, I've started to descend into a dark pit of despair. It's a normal cycle for me...I go from being happy to being sad to being depressed to being angry to...well you get it. It just starts over and over again and I can't really stop it, just need to let it happen so I can get back to being normal. This new cycle is just not holding back on me...I'm feeling less and less like my usual self, like I'm not really in my body. It's weird, and I know this is hard to follow...but if it's one thing my mentor taught me, it's to just keep writing, put your thoughts down, get out of your own head...even for just a minute. So that's what I'm doing now, trying to make sense of this...I dunno…this weirdness that’s been hovering over me like a dark cloud.
One of my biggest problems? There's the bullshit that comes from being on social media...people just trying to force me one way or the other...saying they "care" about my mental well-being...well if you care so fucking much, then why the hell did you threaten me? Make fun of me? I open up and this is the outcome. It happens every goddamned time I try to explain how I feel, my thought process. I get stomped on. I really don't know why I put up with it as much as I do...I was taught at a young age to always look for the good in people...so maybe that's why I let these jerks push me around as much as they do.
These days are getting harder and harder to manage. I use writing as a way to get these thoughts out, as I've said many times before. I use it as a coping strategy, but then get told I'm doing it wrong? That I should do some kind of physical exercise or seek counseling? Look, I work in the mental health field...I see it every day. One thing I know for a fact? Every person dealing with issues is different, and every single person needs to find their own way to deal and their own path to take...therapy is not going to work on me...I seek out help from those I can trust. Some person sitting across from me, writing on a notepad? That's not trust. That's some doctor collecting a paycheck, not investing in my emotions. They don't actually give a shit. I've tried it before, and it's never worked.
People have the right intentions, but ultimately are clueless as fuck to what others actually need. And that's something I tried to explain...but instead, like I said before, I got stomped on...people using sarcasm or threats to prove me wrong? Like, what? What the hell did I do? Did they think that saying those things would make it better? Push me in the direction they're trying to make me take? No. All it did was prove to me that people really are fucking trash. They don't understand, or care, or want to help...they just ridicule and point their fingers...it's like I'm back in high school.
Ah, high school...what a living Hell that was. Almost killed myself a few times because I couldn't stand that fucking place. Bullied every day of my life there. I don't think I even have any friends still from high school...except maybe one, but he's off living his life and I really don't want to bring him down with this shit. It's like...okay, yeah, this is scattered and makes zero sense...but it's like, I have all these problems, and the best way I can explain it is I don't want to burden anyone with my problems. I push them down, I keep them inside, I am trapped in my head all the time, and then it comes bubbling to the surface and I can't keep it down anymore, so I explode one way or the other...and then people who are clueless about me, don't really know what I've been through, they try to help...and I get that, I understand what they're trying to say or do...but it really isn't helping. It's making it worse. It's stomping on my heart and my mind and just making me feel unwanted or attacked...that’s when people get hurt. I’ve been hurt, so I hurt others the same way they hurt me, maybe worse.
You know what? I actually do feel better. Thank you, for listening to my problems, for letting me vent my frustration. Oh, and please, don’t try to get up…those ropes won’t give. Now…stop crying, no one can hear you and certainly no one is coming to save you. You’re going to keep helping me, you’re going to keep listening, and my knife and I are going to dig deep to find the good in you.
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