American Horror Story is back and weirder than ever. And yes I say that every season. But you guys…I really mean it this time.
Season 8 of American Horror Story premiered this past Wednesday with their new season Apocalypse. But I just watched it yesterday because I just added FX to my cable bill. I was feeling impulsive.
So let’s run down exactly what the fuck happened!
We open on Santa Monica with Coco St. Pierre played by Leslie Grossman. She’s a socialite and a social media influencer getting her hair done by Evan Peters, playing an over the top dramatic hairstylist, Mr. Gallant. Coco’s PA, Mallory (Billie Lourd), is trying to get Coco to drink an organic juice for social media. Everyone is dramatically interrupted though when a text alert shows up on everyone’s phones. There’s a missile headed to LA.
At first they all joke and think it’s an accident like what happened in Hawaii. But when Coco’s billionaire dad calls and tells her this is really happening, everyone panics.
Outside, the world falls apart and into chaos. Coco and Mallory race to the airport where a private plane awaits to carry them to a safe zone. Mr. Gallant rushes to pick up his grandma, the extremely wealthy Evie (Joan Collins) and meets Coco at the airport. Coco abandons her husband as he can’t get there quick enough and the four of them fly off as LA explodes behind them.
Cut to 40 minutes before the bomb.
We see a mom and her two sons. One has just found out he’s been accepted to UCLA before the Dad comes rushing in and the text alerts go off. Obviously more panic entails. But then two FBI looking folk come busting in, taking the son. They’ve determined that Timothy (Kyle Allen) has perfect DNA and so they’re taking him to a safe spot while the rest of his family and the world perishes. Oh, and how did they know about his DNA? He sent it to ancestry.com
I KNEW IT YA’LL
ITS ALL A CONSPIRACY TO CONTROL US
Anyway, he’s dropped off at a super secret facility along with another perfect DNA specimen, Emily (Ash Santos).
Cut to two weeks later!
Emily and Timothy are dropped off at the underground bunker. The world outside is terrifying - nuclear winter is setting in. Creepy people dressed in old school gas masks and gear collect them and send them through cleaning.
When inside they’re met by the always stunning and perfect Sarah Paulson playing a creepy new character; Ms. Wilhelmina Venable. She tells them all about the running of this facility. There’s the “grey” folks who are the help, there’s the “purple” folks like themselves who were specially picked, and then there’s the Cooperative. Who are they? Honestly I have no idea. But apparently they’re the smartest brains in the country that now kind of run the country? And there’s different outposts with different chosen people in them? Honestly, it’s American Horror Story it probably just means aliens.
As Emily and Timothy acquaint themselves with the outpost it starts to feel like a young adult novel. There’s so many rules. And candles. And it’s very Gothic. And they’re provided with clothing that’s all purple and looks like Victorian goth realness. They find the original group with Coco in the dining room along with two others. They all drink mineral water out of champagne flutes and eat gelatinous cubes which have all the nutrients they need in them. Again, I’m pretty sure I’ve read this YA novel.
Just as I’m starting to panic because I don’t know where the fuck this is going, Kathy Bates shows up. She plays a militant Ms. Miriam Mead. She’s the right hand woman to Wilhelmina and just loves shooting people.
I’m pretty sure she shot three people and two horses by the end of the episode. Can’t wait to see how many more she shoots going forward!
Anyway, obviously something fishy is going on and Miriam and Wilhelmina are very much letting the power get to their heads.
Cut to 18 months later.
They’re running out of gelatinous cubes and everyone looks like shit. Timothy and Emily are in love because this is definitely a YA novel. A mysterious carriage arrives and pops out a dude that seems to have wandered off the set of the new Anne Rice adaptation. His name is Michael Langdon. I’ll get to why that’s important in a minute. He tells Wilhelmina that he’s come from the ultimate safe sanctuary and has been sent to Outpost 3 to determine who gets to come with him and who is left to perish.
Alright. Heavy shit. Typical AHS season premier where you spend the first 40 minutes wondering what the fuck is going on. And the last 2 minutes having your mind blown by some cliffhanger that you actually don’t really understand.
But what do we know so far? Well, Michael Langdon is our first clue as to how the seasons Murder House and Coven are connected.
Langdon is the son of Tate Langdon and Vivien. Tate was a ghost who raped her. She was pregnant with twins, died during childbirth and only one twin survived - Michael. Constance is left to raise him. She knows that a child born of human and spirit will usher in the end of times, the Anti-Christ. And now here’s Michael arriving in a black coach drawn by horses in what has become an apocalypse.
FUCK YES IM INTO THAT.
Obviously I have lots of questions but I’m not going to worry about it too much. AHS never really answers your questions, just distracts you with more questions. But I am looking forward to seeing more of my goth love Michael Langdon and learning how Coven ties in.
I love the super Victorian goth vibe and all the amazing outfits. Sarah Paulson and Kathy Bates are total perfection. And I cannot wait to see what monsters hide in the nuclear winter.
What did you think of the premier? Let me know in the comments below!